Managing my bipolar disorder is difficult and it doesn’t always take away the effects of this disorder. Everyday is different. I take a very low dose of seroquel at night (25mg). I don’t feel the excitement that I am used to and I truly miss being excitable because I enjoy life that way. BUT I’m not sure if it is because of the many life stressors that are going on. It is hard to tell if my body is in depression mode from one of two things (1) life stressors which triggered a depressive episode (2) Seroquel works by blocking the receptors in the brain that dopamine works on, which gives me a sort of “dull” feeling. Since dopamine is the pleasure neurotransmitter, seroquel takes away a portion of my feelings of pleasure, enjoyment.
It really irritates me that I have to take a medication which takes away my joy and feelings of happiness. The bad alternative to not taking this medication (i.e my joy) for me is that I cannot sleep, I become manic, irritable, and irrational, impulsive, severe racing thoughts which make me wanna scoop my brains out of my head. So either way It sucks. But I have to chose which one is the lesser of the two evils and sometimes I can make myself believe that my bipolar is a blessing, but right now it doesn’t feel that way.
This is definitely a difficult disorder to manage and it takes SO much to take care of it to even give myself a chance at living a happy life. I am currently taking medication, I go to therapy once per week, I work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I actively take part in daily self care (which I have described in a previous blog). Self care seems simple but with bipolar disorder the simple stuff can become overwhelming and arduous. This stuff just “takes off the edge” of my bipolar disorder and I still have to struggle with the effects every day of my life. I wake up not knowing if its going to be a “down day” or an “up day” and the past year its rarely been somewhere in the middle. I want to take control of my symptoms of bipolar. I want to feel joy for more than just a few minutes at a time.